Diary

August 9, 2001 --- Today marks my first week of the Journey. I have started to reach some of my goals and I am happier than I was when I began. On August 4 I began taking my new study medication, perhaps this will help with my migraines. I have begun corresponding with other depressed people and sharing my feelings with my family.
I have come to believe that I need to move out as soon as possible. As much as I love my family, the stress in this house is only adding to my feelings of anxiety, irritation and sadness. I believe my father and brother are also depressed, although I don't think it is as severe as my own. I have to be responsible for myself and I can't be responsible for anyone else right now.
I have been getting out in the ministry on a very regular basis and I am very happy with it. I look forward to going out and teaching other people about the Bible. I don't even mind getting up early in the morning anymore. Every day that goes by marks another day that Jehovah blesses me for these efforts.
Sometimes I am afraid that I will self-destruct. My aunt told me that she has heard me express these goals before, with as much enthusiasm, but I always give up. She was trying to encourage me and what she says is true. But I certainly have never been this happy about it before.
I joined a depression group and they are helping me apply for disability because I can't work. I will have to pick a psychiatrist soon. I am just afraid that no one else will understand what I am going through, not even a doctor. I am so tired of thinking everything is my fault.
I have been trying to renew my friendships but it has been hard. My friends have their own lives and they are happier than I am. One of my friends is so far ahead of me emotionally and spiritually that he intimidates me sometimes with his wisdom. We're very much alike, but different in key areas. He has always been extremely supportive of me and I admit I use him as a model of where I want to be. Another one of my friends is so miserable right now and I am having a hard time being there for her completely. Just as I am trying to pull myself up, she is going down. I am not the kind of person to just let my friends go without my support, and I love her a lot. But when I talk to her, I become even more depressed and guilty. I have been praying for her so much and trying to find out how to be a good friend to her.
I have another friend who is about to make a big decison. I don't know if she is ready for it, but she is happy and I want to be happy for her and nonjudgemental. I understand her so well and I don't want her to go through this without my support, yet that is what I have been doing. And yet another friend of mine seems to be going through the exact same things I am. His life strangely parallels my own. It is weird.

September 5, 2001 --- Today I am back to contemplating what it is that I should do with my life. It seemed clear didn't it? My goals, all clearly articulated. But then my mind gets in the way. Or maybe it is life getting in the way. Several obstacles have arisen. So at this point I need to re-evaluate and decide, are the particular obstructed goals important enough to ride out the tough times or should I change my goals? I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but sometimes I feel like I am being punished.

In other news, I just up and decided to join someone I admit that I barely knew on a trip to a place I had never been and join other people I didn't know at all, for two weeks. I certainly don't regret that decision. I had a lot of time to take a good look at myself and think about those around me and what's important to me. I thought more on Jehovah's will for me, which is essentially his will for all of us. For those two weeks, I only had two migraines, and I did not feel depressed at all. I wasn't completely happy, no one is. But I felt normal for two whole weeks.

September 22, 2001 --- Well, I have accomplished some more goals. I went to see a psychiatrist and I have recently started taking an anti-depressant. That hasn't had time to kick in yet, but I also started taking an herbal combination called "Thyroad Activator". Underactive thyroid causes depression in a lot of people. I started taking this on Wednesday, it is now Saturday and I feel a million times better. I haven't been depressed at all. When I was severely depressed just for the past few weeks, I felt like I was losing my mind. Thoughts would race through my mind. My normal logical self was completely nonexistent, I was just an emotional wreck. I couldn't focus on anything or think things through the way I used to. I was forgetting tons of basic words (and this wasn't helped by the medication the doctor originally gave me). All I've ever had was my mind, and so to feel like I was losing it was a tremendous hardship for me. But now I've got it back! I'm thinking again, amazing myself even. I'm back to contemplating tough questions again and having discussions and debates and just being me. I'm so happy! I know Jehovah loves me and He is not punishing me. My faith is very strong right now. Migraines are still pretty bad though, but I've had fewer since I started feeling better mentally.