| Diary Page Fourteen |
| August 1, 2002 -- Sometimes I feel the need to organize. This is enjoyable and I wish I wasn't so lazy or I would do it more often. I love going through those catalogs that have all the little organizing tools and circling what I would buy if I could afford it. I would never run out of things, especially money. My dream is to have a steady income each month and an exact budget. And I also think there should be a place for everything. There should be a reliable system in place so that one would not run out of things. Of course I have to do some reflecting because tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the date I set my goals. And a few days ago I set new, short-term goals that coincide with my long-term goals. Perhaps this will help me to achieve more of them. For the past month or so I have been bothered by something and only recently did I put my finger on it. I do not want to be around people at all. I am dealing with some serious social anxiety right now. That's why I love my job, because I don't have to deal with anyone face-to-face. My work is very independent. That's why I have been able to go to work consistently for almost four months now but I haven't attended a meeting since June. My family members think I am not worried, but I am. I even upped the dosage on my medication. I haven't gone out in door-to-door ministry in any real sense since December! But the intensity with which I miss it does not equal the intensity with which I loathe the thought of talking to people face-to-face. This is such a serious problem. I don't feel disconnected from the truth or from Jehovah. But I feel like I am not being a true Christian. Sometimes it makes me feel unworthy of love. Am I a worldly person? I don't think so. I am not materialistic, that's not why I go to work every day. I just can, so I do. I can't think of what it is that I love more than Jehovah that is keeping me from completely fulfilling the promises of my dedication. I try to remove any obstacles there may be to attending the meetings, any little thing. My bag is always packed. I make sure to dress for the meeting when I go to work that day so I don't have to do anything when I come home. I don't take a nap or get involved with anything before a meeting. But still I don't go. I really, really don't want to be around people. It makes me feel like I am suffocating. Recently I was promoted to a new, full-time position in another department at my job. There are more people around and even though the work itself is now even more independent and solitary, I feel very anxious whenever anyone walks by. I don't want the fellowship. And I can't really carry on a conversation at all. I am even more quiet now than I used to be. Strangely, when I am not faced with dealing with people face-to-face, I don't feel depressed at all. August 2, 2002 -- 21 feels a lot like 20. I feel just like yesterday. Yippee! I'm feeling more confident today because I am taking my medication regularly. I am going to the meeting next week, promise! I'm very excited. I'm listening to up-tempo music, groovin' to Teena Marie, dancing and laughing. My promotion is going great, I love my new job. So far I am okay working full-time. Funny, this wasn't supposed to be a diary per se. I didn't plan on writing too many intimate thoughts and nonsense, just very irregular updates of my journey to August 2, 2004 and beyond. I don't know why or when it changed but I am glad it did. I was thinking about what a date would be like. I don't really want to go out on one at the moment, but the thought of one is nervous and titilating. All of you who have never gone out on a date should know what I mean. I love the smell of rain. Hmm, see how quickly my thoughts changed right there? But I am the kind of person who can usually tell you exactly what path I took to reach a certain thought (within a reasonable time period of course). August 12, 2002 -- Right now I don't know which way is up and which way is down. I am very confused yet I am not in a state of confusion. I'm not worried or anxious. I just am. I don't know any other way to put it. I exist yet I don't live? I go to work every day and do my job satisfactorily and come home and waste away the hours until I go to bed, only to wake and do it all again. I have no real human interaction outside of my family and not much there. I have not been to a meeting since June but for some reason I am not wracked with guilt. You know, I'm never guilty for the right reasons. My family is pressuring me to do something about it. Perhaps up my medication, or go to the psychiatrist or something. But I don't feel like I need to do anything. I feel like this is a phase of my recovery. I don't feel depressed, not really. I guess this is depression but it's different and not so...depressing. One thing I feel for sure, the prospect of friendship and companionship is just about lost to me. I guess I should be more upset about that. I am just resigned to it. I can't really connect with people and I don't want to socialize at all. I say that but part of me wants to talk to someone, to feel truly appreciated. Not just missed, like when the friends call and say "we miss you at the meetings". Not like that's not genuine, I know it is. But that's not what I am talking about. I am talking about a deeper connection, to me as a person. Someone to feel like their life incomplete without me in it, a friend. That's silly though, because it is not like I am making an effort to make any friends. I feel like I am being punished again but this time I certainly deserve it. What do you do when you are punished and you deserve it but can't change? How are you supposed to feel? |