| Trente-deux |
| February 6, 2003 - Wait, wasn't it February 6 in my last entry? That was so long ago that I'd forgotten. I sleep very little nowadays. Okay, that isn't exactly accurate. I sleep three hours here, two hours there. This way I could potentially be up at any time of day. For some reason I feel like I don't want to miss anything. Today I was thinking about how I could be a servant of Jehovah and not engage in the field ministry. How does that work exactly? I have no idea how to do it. Okay, I know how to do it because I am doing it. But I don't know how to live a long time like this without feeling empty. No ministry, no meetings, no conventions, nothing? Oh dear. And then I remembered that many of Jehovah's servants have found themselves in similar circumstances. The Apostle John spent many years in prison and I believe he died there. King David spent years alone and in hiding. Many of the psalms were written by him in just those circumstances. He was scared and very alone. Jesus himself spent 40 days without any human interaction at all. Noah spent years with no one but his family, both before the flood, during it and after it. The one thing all of these ones had in common was Jehovah. They did what he asked of them and built their relationship with him, even though they could do nothing else. They remained faithful. There are many Witnesses today who are sick and have had to do the same thing. I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept that I may have to do things this way. But I will have to accept it. I started writing another poem today but the subject made me uncomfortable so I stopped. There are things that I think about that I should try not to think about. Not bad things, just things I can't handle right now. And another thing, two years ago I did a lot of research and studying regarding the "bloom of youth". That's somehing all Witness youngsters learn about at some point or another. I wanted to find out exactly what it meant and whether or not I was still in it. I came to the conclusion that I was still in it but on the way out. I was handling the maturation process quite well if I may say so myself. I don't have any intentions of dating right now but in light of my thoughts earlier today I decided to think and pray on it some more. I am either out of it or on the very tail end of it. It isn't in my nature to say that I am out of it because I am generally unsure of myself. But to be honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that I just don't have the same thoughts that I used to have. Of course I like men and I'd be susceptible to all the same feelings any other girl <cough> woman would be. But I am also fine with waiting and I really wasn't before. Young people seem to think that everything must be done as soon as possible because there is no tomorrow. I have so much time and I don't feel like I am running out of time anymore, especially as regards dating and marriage. I do think I am ready to handle dating and marriage but why now? I want to do so many other things. I can wait years more. The ONLY thing that bothers me about waiting is my own insecurity about whether or not I'd still be desirable. If I am not desirable now, as a young ripe twenty-one year old (heehee!), then wouldn't this be worse as a twenty-seven year old? Or would I have desirable qualities then that I don't have now? I wonder if I am a woman yet. I am really worried about calling myself a woman because it sounds funny coming from me. Okay, young woman. That's better. I was born in 1981. So that means I grew in the 80s but I grew up in the 90s. So why do I love 80s music? I certainly don't remember hearing much of it when I was actually in the decade. Well I don't know but I love 80s music. Some of it is cheesy but some of it is really good. I like some 70s music but I have issues with that entire decade that I can't go into now. The 60s is rather removed from me but I like Jimi Hendrix. My father made sure that his children were acquainted with all kinds of music. We like many songs from different eras but we still have our preferences. My brother likes music that embarasses my father. It is so dorky. I like the 80s and my father thought that was a bad decade for music. I'm not a huge fan of funk while that is his favorite music. My mother likes anything that is popular, like Enrique Iglesias. My father absolutely cannot understand this even a little bit. Man, I adore music. It is like love. I'm missing my grandmother again. Like most people I have two grandmothers. One of my grandmothers is a Witness and she is still alive and going well. I know she loves me and she has tolerated a lot from me. She used to take care of my brother and I a lot when we were younger. I feel close to her but she has been through a lot and she is rougher around the edges so to speak. She taught me how to cook! My other grandmother wasn't a Witness and she is dead. She died young, I think she was only 54 or so. I've thought about her before and I know I put it in my diary but I am thinking about her again. I do so wish I could have both of my grandmothers. They'd balance each other out. My deceased grandmother was so tolerant of me. I was her favorite grandchild. She was always sweetest to me. She was a sweet kind person. Sometimes I wish I could cry in her arms and she could tell me everything would be okay. February 7, 2003 - I suppose I need to get back into my old habits again. I like my sleeping habits the way they are at the moment because it means I don't miss much and can enjoy the day in its entirety. Seriously, if I had things to do that could only be done in the daytime then I would go back to sleeping like everyone else. But I don't at the moment. But my family doesn't understand why I am doing this. My father thinks it is keeping me from going out and being around people. I don't see how one thing has anything to do with the other. If I had somewhere to go believe me I'd be happy to do it. And I still wouldn't be around people. My father has never fully accepted that I am sick and he never, ever will. Of course on some level he knows it which is why he doesn't say much. But it hasn't really reached his heart. My father doesn't know me or understand me well at all. I still wish he did but it doesn't bother me much anymore. He has always been a good father and it is much too late to let things like that get in the way. Sometimes I just have to shrug off the things he says. I know he is upset that it is 4am and I am up. I really like this time of day. Everything is so quiet. If I had my own place I could be up at 4am and not bother anyone else. That's neither here nor there I suppose. I still don't feel like a normal person, and I desperately want to. I mean outside of my illness. Normal people don't have sleeping habits like this. Normal people are so different in many ways. Obviously I am not like a normal girl. I don't like the things normal people do and I dislike things normal people don't. Now some people will say that everyone is unique and everyone feels out of whack sometimes. Well I feel out of whack all the time. Things are different for me than they are for most others. That has to be a big reason why it is hard for me to develop any kind of kinship with someone. People can get along with me but they don't seem to understand me. So they don't really develop that closeness. The sad thing is that I have no problem developing that closeness with them. Only when it is too late do I figure out that there is a problem. |