| FIFTY SEVEN |
| March 20, 2005 - Heaven help me talk to strangers... Today I feel like the entire world has gone crazy and I'm one of the few sane people left. I keep reading news articles that make no sense to me. I peruse websites whose authors are completely wrong about every single thing and I don't know if it is a joke or not. People are being really mean and hateful and self-centered and I'm amazed by it all. This really feels like a cosmic joke day, it has to be. Things can't really be this insane! Things have never been like this before. I can see no beauty anywhere in the world. This entire system is falling apart and nobody can see it! Evil people are walking freely, saying evil words and doing evil things but they weren't evil before today. People are just SO MEAN. They have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I read an article in the New York Times written by one of the most self-absorbed, amoral, disgusting individuals I have ever known of. I couldn't believe someone could be so, so, so BAD and yet be presented as completely normal. In Florida a woman is starving to death and I don't know why. I don't get it. I don't understand what is happening! She doesn't have to starve but she is! And there was a predator and everyone knew he was a predator but he got a child and killed her anyway! The government is investigating baseball all of a sudden but why?? Why Why Why? Surely there must be more important things. I don't even know their purpose anymore. WHAT IS GOING ON?? This must be one of those things that just happens sometimes. Some days all of the news seems good, and today is one of those days when all of the news is bad. Some days are filled with virtue and some days are just despicable. The thing is, I still feel pretty good. I'm still feeling open and amenable and loving towards people. No one has done anything to me in particular, it is the way they're treating each other and the way they're treating the innocent and helpless. ARGH! March 23, 2005 - Once upon a time there was light in my life... I'm still in a good mood, it's been what, a month now? I don't like Paxil as much as I liked Zoloft. I think Paxil probably just takes longer to start working. I was thrilled because I felt the difference with Zoloft in one day. But I'm not depressed and there aren't even any signs of depression. I'm still clear mentally. I think I'm feeling the pain of others more now than when I'm so focused on myself. Now my father is in the hospital and he found out that he has diabetes. It's like one thing after another and we're very unstable financially. But I'm still pretty optimistic. I find myself really missing Ambrosia and wondering what she is doing, but I don't really trust myself. There were things I didn't feel comfortable telling her, and until I can be more assertive and open I don't think it would be fair to go back. She has to know all my flaws and foibles and understand how my illness effects me. But I'm a little worried in general about rejection considering recent events, so I'll get myself together first. It's not right for me to be all open and nice and then when I get depressed to be mean and withdrawn. Until I get my depression really under control, I need to be careful with friendships. Actually right now I'm not really up for much social interaction. I'm very sensitive for some reason. I'm just very much a feeler right now. That has led to my increased level of empathy but also made me more sensitive than I'm used to being. I feel the need to stay away from people for fear of expectations or feeling too much. I'm also back to feeling a little inferior and questioning my intelligence. I don't say anything the way I want to say it, things aren't coming out right. Ack, my leg really hurts right now for some reason. It's annoying. I haven't had my period in months and I don't know if I should be concerned or not. There are no buns in my oven, but I wonder what else could cause this. It's not like I miss it and I'm almost reluctant to find out what could have caused this, because then I might not have to fix it. I don't know if this is a normal thing or not. I know it happens to athletic girls and girls who are anorexic but I'm neither of those things. Ahh well I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. And on that note, I'm out. March 30, 2005 - Can we talk for a minute?... A lot has been going on inside me the last week or so. I'm not even sure where to begin. I feel very loving right now. I feel a lot of love for my family. I feel very connected with people and I feel a lot of love for humanity. I keep thinking of Paradise and how much happier people will be. There is just so much injustice and most of the world is pretty bad and always has been. People do such horrible things to one another. There is no understanding for it, other than Satan's evil influence. This system is just so bad but I DON'T feel that way about people in general. I feel a great love for the innocent who suffer so much. They don't fit in this system. When it is destroyed and there is a new one, then those who have suffered and died will finally have a chance to experience what they were truly made for. I don't really know how to explain what I feel. The other night I got down on my knees and just prayed longer than I have ever prayed in my life. I pray every day, but there are some topics I'm afraid to bring up. I know Jehovah knows about them, but I thought that if I prayed for help I'd have to follow through. I guess I wasn't ready to do certain things and give up certain things. And Jehovah has so patiently waited for me. Now, I am ready. I am really ready to start on the right path. I prayed about everything. I put it all out there and just asked basically to be a blank slate. At one point I found myself repeating over and over "please help me, please help me" but I know He understood. Then last night I realized that Jehovah is the best friend anyone could ever have. So I prayed to him as my friend, and again asked to be used for what purpose He thinks is best. I really love Jehovah. I see his workings in my own life, in my family, and when I was reading the yearbook last night I could see his workings for his servants all across the world. Then I think about the future blessings in store, and I realize that he is so patient even though he must be hurting more than I am over this system of things and the evil. And I feel that much closer to Him as a person. I love this feeling of love. I love what love makes me want to do. I have come back to the goals I set as a child, to help and teach people through the field ministry and to love and care for a husband. That's it. That's really all I ever wanted to do with my life. I don't care about money, degrees, travelling the world, being pretty, not anything else. Those are the two things that make me most happy to think about. Why fight it or resist it anymore? I don't have to be any deeper than this. Thank you Jehovah. Thank you to my wonderful family. I would not want any other family, and that includes my aunts and uncles, including the ones who are not (yet) servants of Jehovah. Thank you to all of my friends. Thank you thank you thank you all. This is really me right now, and even if one day I am depressed and angry again, there will always have been this moment when I was ME. |